Do you want to feel more connected to your kids, your family, your partner, your loved ones? How many people do you know who struggle with mental health issues: anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem?
Do you wish you could help them? Does it hurt you to know of their pain?
Consider this. While it may not fix all problems, validation is a gift you can give to the people you care about.
What is Validation?
The Oxford Dictionary defines psychological validation as “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”
Validation means different things to different people. Your ideas of what might make someone feel validated will ideally be based on how aware you are of them; and how much you understand the basic emotional makeup of that person.
That means: if you hope to validate a person, you must really know them. Know their little things… their likes, habits, preferences, quirks… what they’ve been up to, what matters to them and why. Really see them as a whole human — and then acknowledge that in small but meaningful ways.
Is Validation in Short Supply? If So, How Do We Fix It?
Validation helps other people feel seen, heard, understood, considered, respected and appreciated. It’s something essential to human happiness and inner peace, that we’re losing in the hassled, hurried modern world.
Validation will be in deficit for everyone if we let the technology occupy all of our time and take over our lives. So if you see an opportunity to validate someone, put down that phone and seize the moment!
Validation doesn’t cost a lot of money or much of your time. But small, daily amounts add up.
A dash of validation, sprinkled in the direction of people who bring meaning to your life, goes a long way toward bringing those worthwhile feelings… the feeling that YOU matter.
Think about the best people in your life… the real ones. They “get” you, and you “get” them. That’s mutual validation connecting human minds and hearts. It’s such an EASY thing to offer others, but so often overlooked.
Why Do We Forget to Validate Others?
- Our phones constantly vie for our attention.
- We’ve overbooked, and stressed out.
- We’re in a rush.
- The mental load is too much.
- Our schedule doesn’t match theirs.
- We had a missed connection because our phones pulled us away… AGAIN.
- We’re busy posting and scrolling.
- We had to do All the Things.
- We’re exhausted because of all this, and there’s no room left in our brain.
- We don’t gift ourselves free time to just float from here to there, staying present with our loved ones as we do.
Validation encompasses all of those little, simple things we can do to help others know their worth. Is there anything more important than helping other humans feel worthwhile?
Validation is not a Big Thing. It doesn’t cost money and you won’t be making a grand announcement about it on Facebook.
Validation is everything we should see and care about that people in our lives are up to, including what they think about it all and what they stand for.
Others might not notice you, noticing and offering validation to those you love. But helping your people feel seen and heard WILL matter as they evolve into who they’re meant to be… and that’s why validation is everything.
Experts Weigh in On Ways to Validate
I talked with some experts online who shared with me their ideas of how to show validation. Here’s what they said:
“I validate through my presence, my attention, by simply listening. I listen to what is communicated through body language, tone of voice, sensory information. Words or no words. I often validate through asking empowering questions that pass the mic instead of monopolizing it, an exchange of equality. Being this tuned in allows me to look into the mirror of my own self validation. This is the basis of authentic connection.”
– Juliana Lindner, Next-Level Leadership Coach, All in Harmony
“The best time for validation is at the family table! It’s where we come together to share our dreams, plans, joys and sorrows… So for me personally, I cook. Dinner brings the family to the table… and dessert keeps them there a little longer! So make a good meal, sit at the table and start talking… and more importantly… listen! THAT is the best value you can give to your family and friends and also at the business table when dealing with employees, colleagues and clients.”
– Dorina Lantella, Dorina’s Kitchen
Ways to Offer Validation to People You Care About (or Anyone)
- Put down your phone, look into their eyes, and listen to them.
- Clear a full day on your calendar to be with them – not just a 2-hour time slot.
- Cook their favorite meal.
- Quote something funny or poignant that they said, and credit them.
- Don’t do or say something that hurts their feelings, even if you think “it’s no big deal.”
- Invite them, even if you know that circumstances won’t permit them to come.
- Thank them for whatever they did, even if it’s a very small thing that everyone does.
- Do something with them that you know they like to do, even if it’s not one of your favorite activities.
- Let them know your hear and respect their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
- Credit them with a job well done.
- Include them.
- Introduce them.
- Tell them they’re beautiful, inside and out.
- Ask if you can take their picture. Don’t be annoyed if they say no.
- Look at, and smile at them, often.
- Find a thing you just know they would love, and give it to them. It could be flowers from your garden; a funny poster from a garage sale; old vinyl records, or even a sandwich.
- Ask them to share a recipe, even if you already know how to cook it.
- Ask their expert opinion, even though you can Google it.
- Recommend their services to a friend in need.
- If they’re tired, let hem sleep.
- If they’re sad, let them cry.
- Entrust them with the care of your child, your pet, or your home.
- Give them space.
- Permit them to vent. No judgment.
- Tell them what they’re good at and encourage them.
- Laugh at their jokes. If you can’t muster up a real giggle, give it your best, “Haaa, that was funny!!” and be enthusiastic because they tried.
- Make them a playlist of their favorite songs.
- Hug them because you love them, but also respect those times when they’d rather not be touched.
- Tell them they can do it; you believe in them; they’re strong and capable.
- Sit with them, and just be.
In the Absence of Validation and Authentic Connection, There is Self-Validation
We can’t always receive the validation that we seek from others at the exact moments when we need it. At those times, we would do well to shift into self-validation.
Wellness Coach and Women’s Empowerment Coach Mary Walker-Golden explains it as such:
“Hugs feel validating. Encouraging words are okay too, but may even be a projection of someone’s unmet desires. I’m a huge fan of self-validation checks amidst a competitive culture though for sure, eg: “did I do my best today?” “Can I be loving to myself even when I mess up?”
Socially, we need to feel accepted (validated) to thrive. But when we don’t and feel like its everyone else ‘not accepting us’, the issue may be that we are not accepting ourselves fully.”
“Instead of looking to others for validation
Instead of looking to others for friendship
Instead of looking to others for security
Instead of looking to others for company
Instead of looking to others for gratification
Instead of looking to others for approval
Instead of looking to others for acceptance
Instead of looking to others for time
Instead of looking to others for connection
Instead of looking to others for advice
Instead of looking to others for ANYTHING
YOU CAN DO ALL THAT BY YOURSELF
TRUST YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND MOST OF ALL LOVE YOURSELF 💚”
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